the best part about autumn

beyond a doubt, the most amazing aspect of this season is the sleeping. yes, i sleep a lot every season, but this is the best. last night, we left the doors open, with 2 down comforters and a flannel sheet, and slept until 8pm. opening my eyes to the sun setting with the breeze and all the warmth under the covers, well, that's the best part of fall. it could have been put so much more eloquently, but i'm drowsy.

today=8pm

i realized that everyone else has started school again, and for the first time since i started preschool, i'm not in that world. and the funny thing is, i'm not even done with school yet, but NOT going to school feels so natural. i have nightmares about going back, i know i will, i have to, if i want anything, but i hate the structure. i hate how behind the education system is. i hate following rules, and learning things that have no bearing on me. learning is fun in general, but something changes when it becomes a have-to.

blah blah

of course, don't be fooled.

i am, despite what some people think (or what i think some people think), very aware that i am making sacrifices for this lifestyle i'm currently choosing. see, that's the thing i don't think people really understand.
will and i understand it.
it's simple, it's this: nothing is objectively good or bad, or right or wrong, everything just IS, and everything that is has a consequence. no matter how big or small whatever 'it' is, there will be a consequence. and in saying yes to 'it', you're accepting whatever consequence (out of the countless consequences that exist for any given situation) may follow.
i don't have a job, and i'm not going to school, i'm surviving on the goodwill of others and my own delusions, or whatever you want to call them. i am aware of them, so they're not really delusions. half-assed aspirations, maybe, the way that i say, yes yes tomorrow i'll wake up early and go look for a job.

i'm in a process of ripping away all the layers to get to the simplest idea, concept, reality, truth, whatever. it can be called anything. this is, admittedly, a pretty selfish, or self-absorbed, period in my life. i know that. i sacrifice the quantity of friendships i may be used to in order to absorb the entirety of this intensity with will, with my little reclusive setting here. i'm exploring the depth of myself, the possibility of true, pure love, the unity in nature, the simplicity of Truth, and on and on. and no, i can't be bothered by all the dull-witted responsibilities most people haul around. i know that eventually, in order to satisfy my most basic needs (safety, shelter, nourishment, etc), i'll have to at least set a foot in the door leading to societal norms... but i'm not doing it yet.

the relief i feel in shedding all the guilt i've been collecting over the course of my life, for stupid, petty, superficial reasons. all of the shame and insecurities and uncertainty... i'm digging through all of it and finding out all that really matters. in time, well, who knows, i don't want to know. it's the future, not the present, and the present is all that really matters. the future is all just conscious speculation, which is to say, speculation borne of ignorance. i have no need for that. it's as bad as adhering to superficiality as some kind of saving grace.

so, whatever. not many people understand my choices or my lifestyle or my beliefs or value system, i wouldn't expect them to. i'm weird, a little fucked up, that's no secret. tra la la, eh? the important thing is not that i didn't conform, but that i found another person who fits into me perfectly, where there are no secrets, everything is in front of us, we're embracing all of it cuz we're in it together, well, on and on like that... that's the important thing for all of us. not to change ourselves to become like everyone else, or what everyone else says we're supposed to become, but that we can find another person that suits us, and that, in return, we suit. because then all the weirdness is okay.

biscuit is talking more.

my mornings begin at 6pm

this past week i haven't woken up before 6pm. my big goal of the entire week... well... the entire past summer... was to finish my resume and apply for a job. tra la la. instead, will and i sleep. we love to sleep. i love sleeping pills. stay up all night getting stoned, laughing, playing, talking, eating, and on and on, and then take a few sleeping pills at around 6am, sleep til 6pm, wake up, etc. the thing that's so great about it is how i've finally gotten past feeling guilty about sleeping late (super-extreme late), i'm working hard on really resisting the social boundaries that don't make much reasonable sense. i'm a night person. i like daytime, but i like night better, and i have to sleep sometime. being able to wake up late, snuggle for a few hours, both of us intent on not speaking so as to not break the spell, once you speak you inevitably start the process of getting up.... there's so much love, so much unity, it's incredible. how could i prefer spending those precious hours working at some goddamn desk, or sitting listening to some pompous professor preach, or bullshitting my time away with half-people, by which i mean, people i can't relate to and don't find anything interesting in. i'm not being superior, i'm positive there are people that feel as such about me, it's just one of the many truths about existence. sometimes you're built with more layers, other times you get some sort of thin composite.

so will and i wake up at the same time, we have seemed to merge into one person, i think much of it comes from the reclusivity of the two of us, we entertain each other so well that this is all we usually want. so, we decide to go to the store, which is fabulous, because there are more rednecks there than anywhere else in the world, and i love it. never a dull moment, especially when there are trashy magazines to read about britney spears' tragic MTV VMA awards moment (i don't have TV, so i had no idea about that fantastic situation)... we decide on burritos, and we're perfect, we can compromise on anything and it seems the planets are as well committed to serving our little entity-force, or whatever we've become. i say, no refried beans, black beans instead. he says, hmmm. are black beans good? yes! yes they are i say, blah blah and on, and there beside the black beans are REFRIED black beans. a compromise right in front of us. this happens more than you would think. we don't ever 'fight', one of us complains about this or that, and the other person listens and rarely ever gets defensive, and then we try to figure out together where it is we began misunderstanding or where our difference of opinions/emotions stem from, and we cry, and we hug, and we talk about loving each other forever, and everything is beautiful. there are no lies, or restrictions, or ideals. there is no competition...

the other night, we argued because of his WoW addiction, and he was going to sleep. i went down to do some laundry, and almost stepped on a tiny frog in the basement. we have a big buddhist-like thing with living creatures, stopping the car to rescue a toad in the middle of the road, always swerving around anything that could potentially be an animal... and i wake will up to take care of it, he comes downstairs and scoops up the little frog and places him outside in the bushes. he walks back inside without looking at me, because we were still semi-arguing, and i hug him, and he hugs me, and we nearly immediately see both sides of the disagreement. after that, there's no need to keep arguing, and all anger goes away.

i told him today that we should dispense relationship advice, at a cost. we'd be fantastic.