antidepressants

my zoloft is slowly removing all sense of feeling or real emotion from me. all my emotions seem to come from side effects of the drug rather than legitimate, honest emotion. i just feel generally peaceful all the time, but when i take the time to examine my peacefulness, i realize that i'm actually numb to everything, or i feel things from a very far distance. don't get me wrong, i often use distancing to ease a difficult situation, but i like to be able to consciously work towards that fully distanced self instead of having it just invade me, completely, at random.

the problem is, or rather the frightening thing is, the fact that it does leave me with a peacefulness, or what could easily be perceived as peacefulness, keeps me from investigating the true reasons of all this odd calmness. that was a really shitty sentence, but my mind woke me up ridiculously early today, and i couldn't resist the temptation to get a drink, smoke some weed, and have a cigarette (in that order, always). mornings are only a fuzzy blur to me. the point is that happy people don't question how they became happy like unhappy people dwell on their despair, and general calmness is at least in the same ball park as general happiness. something something.

i'm glad i realized it though. i think i may try no antidepressents for a bit. i'm tired of not having sex. ever. because i'm just not fucking interested.